Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Single Girl's Survival Guide: Sex With Your Ex

It’s familiar, it’s easy and he knows exactly how to please you. But is sex with your ex ever a good idea?

(PHOTO CREDIT: MARTIN POOLE/REX USA)
You’ve recently broken up with your boyfriend of two years. You’re heartbroken over the loss, but you don’t hate him. Because you know in your heart he wasn’t the one. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less or make moving on any easier because you still love him. You haven’t heard from him in a few weeks, until a Gchat pops up during your lunch break. He seems to miss you. He asks how you’re holding up at the office or for a recap of your recent interview. Then the trouble begins. Maybe he sends a flirty message in the form of a joke to test the waters or you’re the one who gets ballsy typing a sexy dream you had since he left.

Hours later he’s running up the four flights to your apartment, swinging open your door, pushing you against the exposed brick wall with a kiss more passionate - and scandalous - than any you remember from your time as a couple.

Sex that’s forbidden – because you broke up, remember? – can unfortunately be more exciting than routine couple sex. Don’t let the mind-blowing orgasm confuse you. It doesn’t mean you’re meant to get back together. You’ve just missed being intimate with the man he used to be, coupled with the fact that we all want what we can’t have. This thrilling rush may have been satisfying in the moment, but remember, it’s what happens after the heavy breathing subsides that you’ve got to consider.

When your emotions are still raw from a recent breakup, getting into bed with your ex could lead to breaking your heart all over again. If you’re “on a break” or holding onto hope that you’ll work things out and get back together, having sex won’t mend what was broken in your relationship. If sex with your ex has you wanting to take him back, remember you’ll also risk taking back the pain, frustration and other negative emotions you've suffered previously in your relationship. It’s called a“breakup” because it’s broken. (Yes, go read that book. Now.)

If he ended things because he felt pressured by all of your married friends showing off their new homes and babies on your Facebook feed, realizing he no longer wanted the same things, falling back into bed together won’t fix these insecurities and differences. Wake up - your old issues haven’t been resolved. You can’t rely on orgasms and a spooning session to heal what was missing or defective in your relationship.

If you had sex with your ex because you were secretly hoping to sooth your loneliness or to feel like you’re a couple again – even if just for a night – the chances are high that this act will be a temporary filler, void of any real commitment or closure from him. Men can separate sex from emotions, so while you may feel like you were making love, it could have been purely physical for him.

Even if you’ve convinced yourself that all you want is commitment-free sex, the touch of his hand on your lower back or a soft whisper in your ear will turn on more than just your sex drive. For most women being intimate is an expression of our love, not just lust. And when it comes to your ex, he isn’t just a random guy you’ve met at a bar for a one night stand. He’s the man you fell in love with, emotionally supported and loved unconditionally. How can you “just” have sex with the man who was your best friend?

As a girl who’s been there, the best advice I can give is this: If you’re not ready to move on, you’ve got to move forward. How can you fall for someone new - someone who may be your Mr. Right - if your ex still has your heart, mind and your body? Don’t rush into bed or even on dates with a new guy until you’re ready, but by sleeping with your ex, you’re delaying your ability to close the door - and put a deadbolt lock on it - so a window can open.

Where do you stand, lovely readers? Is sex with your ex a "do" or a big, fat "don't"? xo

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