Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Single Girl's Survival Guide: Bridesmaid Dress Blues

A bridesmaid dress fitting can really bring a girl down.  All the poking and prodding while you’re squeezed into your Spanks, as the measuring tape is wrapped around your womanly hips, covered in a shiny pink taffeta, a maid-of-honor can feel less than honorable.   The sample size on the rack almost never fits, no matter your shape.  Flat-chested pencil thin girls are clipped in as they drown in the itchy fabric, while curvier girls can barely move the zipper past their waists.   A single girl can indeed survive the bridesmaid dress blues by keeping these tips in mind.

Size Doesn’t Matter.  Okay, okay, size may matter for certain things (i.e. pizza slices, square footage in your studio apartment, flat screen tvs, and possibly gentleman parts).  But, when it comes to the size printed on the tag of the gown, it truly doesn’t matter.  Try not to freak out when the seamstress loudly says that she will order you a size 16.  Yes, you may be an 8 in real life fashion, but bridesmaid dresses are sized with drastically different measurements.  Don’t let this fitting lead to the beginning of an eating disorder.  Continue your normal eating and exercise habits.  And if all else fails, just cut out the tag, so you don’t have to look at it.

Super Size it.  Turns out your bust, waist, and hip measurements each fit into different dress sizes.  The seamstress mentions you should order for your hips or bust (of course, the largest area) and they can just “take it in” at your waist.  Try not to smack the store manager, while keeping in mind that it is better to have the dress arrive oversized than too tight.  No one wants to deal with a bridezilla the month before her wedding, when she finds out material has to be added to your dress.  It’s always easier to take a dress in than to take it out.  And hey, even Kim Kardashian probably needs to order a size or two larger to squeeze her sexy booty into bridal party dresses.

Recycle and Reuse.  Brides everywhere can be heard telling their bridal party how practical and beautiful the dresses are that she has chosen for them to walk down the aisle. “You can always just shorten it and wear it again!”.  Sorry to break the news, but most likely you won’t be able to wear this pastel silver floor length dress to someone else’s engagement party or New Year’s Eve celebration.  But, every once in a while, a bride chooses something simple and classy, such as a black cocktail dress from the J. Crew bridal collection, and you will get a second life out of that baby.

Donate For a Better Cause.  The eggplant ball gown you wore in last March’s wedding won’t get a second wear out of your closet.  So do a good thing for a girl in need!  Donate your old bridesmaid gowns to girls who can’t afford a dress for their prom.  You’re unflattering outfit could be someone’s dream dress.  This dress may have caused you anguish the night of the wedding, but you’ll feel great after knowing you’ve made a younger girl’s special evening a reality.

True Colors.  That royal blue tea length dress may seem to be too bright for your pale skin, but try to stay positive as it may look beautiful in photos!  With your makeup professionally done against a summer tan (or a fake and bake for the fall and winter month weddings), an oddly colored dress may look stunning in photos.  Go on and smile your sexiest smile during the photo shoot.

Best Man Bait.  Even if you just can’t get past how much you hate your bridesmaid dress, remember that the Best Man and his crew of groomsman are all about hooking up with a sexy single bridesmaid.  You’re tacky dress may just reel in the available men you’ve been spending all day and night with at the ceremony and on the dance floor.  Rock that dress sexy lady, and bring yourself home a gentlemen suitor.

What Goes Around Comes Around.  Still feel ugly, short, and fat in your bridesmaid dress?  Just remember that one day it will be your turn to be the bride.  And you can force all of your friends who tortured you into wearing brightly colored, unflattering dresses to do the same for your wedding.   Karma’s a bitch.

How do you survive wearing a bridesmaid dress? xo

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