Monday, March 7, 2011

How Not To Dump Her

My advice, stories, opinions, and questions are usually for the ladies out there.  But, this time I’m talking to my male readers.  Gentleman, please don’t break up with us in any of these pathetic ways.

The Houdini: Instead of breaking up with you in person like a human being, he simply disappears from your life.   I have a close friend who dated a guy who was the worst offender.   They dated on and off in college, then started dating seriously after grad school.  After a few months of dinners, buying a Christmas tree together, and even a skydiving trip, he Houdini-ed her, with no explanation.  When she tried to contact him to talk about it he refused to engage.  He just stopped returning her calls, emails, texts, and never let her in on the reason.  We honestly wondered if this asshole was even alive.  Guys, this is emotionally abusive and confusing.  At least have the decency to the girl it’s over!  Even if you have to make up a LIE (“I’m just not ready to be serious with all of my finance work, blah blah blah”).  Anyone who can’t even communicate with you is a complete coward.

The Houdini Plus A Douche-y Justification: The only thing worse than the Houdini is when a guy defends his indefensible behavior with a cold-hearted comment that makes you regret every second you spent stressing over him.  Basically, once you’ve been dating for months, exclusively sleeping together, he disappears like in the story above.  But, once you run into him at a bar or he finally answers your gchat, he throws in a beauty like “It was just fun and sex.  It’s not like you meant anything to me.”

Social Media Breakup: You know that episode of “Sex and the City” when Carrie gets dumped by Berger via a Post-It note?   Yeah, if you break up with someone over Facebook, MySpace (if it was 2001), or Twitter, you’re as bad as that guy.

Text, Email or Gchat Breakup: Nope, you’re not in the clear if you break up with someone over email (even if it’s lengthy or “heartfelt”).  You still didn’t do it in person, which is the only acceptable way (unless you’re stationed in Iraq or shooting a film in Australia).  Breaking up over the phone or via text message is just as bad - just ask Taylor Swift.

Projecting: I’m sure you’re confused right now (who isn’t during a breakup?), but don’t be all cray-cray and blame the other person for your problem.  You know that Madonna song, “Human Nature,” where she sings, “I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your s**t on me”?  Yeah, don’t be that jerk.  If you’re projecting your own problems onto another person, you belong in therapy, not the singles scene.  A guy who almost got fired from work for sleeping in too late, abused cocaine and Adderall, and had issues with his therapist and parents, would tell me about his lifelong traumas for hours each week.  I listened and offered comfort, advice and support, so he decided to tell me I was “too needy” for his attention.  Seriously, dude?

Breaking Up After Sex: It’s. Just. Wrong.  Don’t do this ever.

Wasting Her Time/Money After Traveling to See You: Dumping someone who just hopped a plane, train or Bolt Bus (or even a taxi to an outer borough) to see you is inconsiderate.

Do you have any tales of bad breakup behavior? xo


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