Thursday, February 24, 2011

How to Escape a Bad Date

He’s rude, he’s annoying, he’s pretentious, and you haven’t even ordered your drinks yet.  The next time you're out with Mr. Wrong, use one of these evening-ending strategies to get your sexy booty out of there.  When your date bores you, frightens you or makes you feel embarrassed in front of your waitress (and the staring couple at the nearby table), try one of these five exit plans: 


Mr. Nice-but-Not-for-You 
Your cool coworker set you up with a guy who looks just like he could be Bradley Cooper’s little brother, but now you're halfway though dinner and he won't stop talking about how his ex-girlfriend broke his heart.  Plus, he's wearing jean shorts, and you think you just caught a whiff of your college boyfriend’s Abercrombie cologne.  This guy may be somebody's idea of Mr. Right - he's just not yours.  Problem is, he seems like such a nice guy, that you can't bear to hurt his feelings.  Before you know it, he'll be leaning in for a good-night kiss or asking for another date.  What’s a gal to do?  Make sure he knows you're not interested.   Soften your rejection with flattery.  Try something like "Well, even though we have such different interests, you’re so funny, sweet, interesting (or some other appropriate compliment)."  Then ask him if it would be okay for him to meet one of your friends who'd be just perfect for him.  He'll feel rejected no matter what you say, but complimenting him while still stressing that he's not your type will help him walk away with some dignity.  

Mr. I-Know-You-Want-This
This guy has been following you around the gym for weeks.  He's always offering to spot you or hold your feet while you do sit-ups just so he can sneak a few glances up your shorts.  Finally, you give in and go out on a date with him, because after all, he isn't a complete creeper.  Then after you meet for drinks, you start dancing and rubs against you so hard, he’s closer than a boy at a middle school dance.  And you’re nervous for him to force his gross sloppy tongue down your throat.  Unfortunately, it's going to take more than a polite dismissal at the end of the night to convince Mr. Aggressive that his eager-beaver attitude isn't working for you.  You can’t be subtle with men who have major egos.  Bring up a topic that will turn off his sexual advances, like "I'm just dying to get married and have a baby like all of my friends!" or “You make a six-figure salary, right?  Because we need to get a house in the Hamptons this summer. " or “Buy me another drink.  Alcohol helps clear up yeast infections”.

Mr. His-Mama-Didn’t-Teach-Him-Manners
Let’s be honest, this dude doesn't have a single thing going for him.  He called you “Sweet Cheeks” (or any other degrading nickname) fifteen minutes after meeting you, drooled over the waitress as she walked away, has brought up his strong belief in man-scaping and expects his woman to get her monthly Brazilian, and is now telling you that women have no place in the business world.  He explains that you can’t expect to be more than a wife and a mother who is a slave to the kitchen.  This guy is a total douchebag.  He’s superficial, sexist, and rude.  With this jerk, just come up with a creative excuse and leave him alone with the check.  Glance at your Blackberry and notice an urgent text from your roommate who is in the hospital with an allergic reaction, or fish through your handbag and mutter something about losing your medication, your keys, whatever, and insist that you have to leave to go find it.  Chances are this prick won't offer to help and you’ll be free to run away.

Mr. Already-Moved-In
The date kinda sucked, but you took pity on him and offered him a cup of coffee.  Now it's pushing 4am, and he just won't leave.  First, attempt to send him out on an errand.  Tell him nothing turns you on more than chocolate, but you’re all out.  Guys will do almost anything if it may lead to sex.  The minute he’s gone, lock the door, turn off the lights, and tell your doorman not to let him back up.  You’re next option is to scare his ass out.  Tell him that your parents are coming in from out of state and arrive on their late-night flight any minute.   Or your big brother who just got out of prison.  Or your jealous ex-boyfriend, the bouncer.  Basically, anything that makes it clear that this guy will not get any booty tonight.  If you decided against those routes, try grossing him out.   Confess about your unexplainable rash or hives.  This may backfire if you have mutual friends and he spreads this rumor of your dermatological problems.  But, in a city like Manhattan you (hopefully) won’t be in the same circle of friends.   

Mr. Obsessed
He told the waitress you won’t be drinking tonight, without asking if you even wanted a glass of wine and ordered everything for you.  When you discussed your summer plans, he said he can’t wait to have you in his bed all August at his beach house.  And you haven’t even had your first kiss.  The day after your date he texts you every hour and when you are too busy at work to respond he asks if you’re ignoring him.  This fast-forward kind of guy is smothering and just too much to handle.  Explain to him that you’re an independent city girl, and you’re looking for a date not a dad.  You’ll need to be stern with this guy early on or he will keep forcing his way into your life.

How have you escaped a bad date? xo

5 comments:

  1. well, wouldnt you know it? I have given every excuse in the book.
    For the guy that wanted to be my savior I told him I was pregnant with my ex's baby (lies)
    The guy who wouldnt not leave me the hell alone I told him i felt the urge to vomit whenever he came in for a hug or kiss and later blamed my fears of intimacy on my illness. "the thought of being tied down right now just makes me feel [gag] sick...its not you, its me"
    The classic fall off the face of the earth bit.
    And I have used family members being sick. (but only when they really are sick- with like the sniffles LOL)

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  2. This is one of your best articles, I just LOVE it!!

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  3. I'd just tell #2 - #4 to GTFO.

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