Thursday, October 28, 2010

Cheaters. And the women who love them.

In the Big City, I’ve come across many men who have girlfriends.  And a girl on the side.  And sometimes multiple girls spread across the country, just awaiting their arrival at the airport for weekend work events and meetings.  This may seem like something that only happens in the lives of celebrities and politicians, but these cheaters can be found on the barstool nearest you.  

Whenever I learn this about a guy, whether he’s the boss of a friend or a guy in our circle, I immediately feel terrible for his clueless girlfriend.  Now, you may be thinking “how would this woman not know he is cheating?”  Well, some of these men hide it so well, that they are able to get engaged to their significant other while still keeping a pretty young thing around in the office or on a Vegas work trip.  

                                                                        (photo via)

So, this post is really not about the douchebag cheater or his naïve girlfriend, but about “the other woman”.  She knows he isn’t single.  Yet, she still goes to happy hour as his date for drinks, meets him in Miami for a beach vacation, and sleeps over when his girlfriend is away visiting her family.  Seriously?  What is wrong with these girls?  I understand you can’t help who you fall for, but you can help if you take action or not!  I am usually the first to blame a man and defend the woman, but I just can’t understand this other woman’s motives.  He isn’t going to leave his girlfriend for you.  And if he does, he will cheat on you too.  

Have you ever defended (or been) the other woman? xo


  1. You're so right! As frustrated as I am with the cheater aka want to chop off their male parts...I find myself equally frustrated with the women who stay in that relationship. One of my bests has a horrible cheating bf. The one major sign I can't believe she doesn't see is how aggressive and accusatory he is with her even though she's clearly not the one with the dress code he sets for her, people she's ALLOWED to spend time with, and picking him up at "friends" houses at 5 AM...GET OUT GIRLFRIEND!!!

  2. love! feel so strongly the same's freaking GIRL CODE not to mess with your sista's! xx

  3. If I may pepper this with a male point of view. Women are bitches to each other. They, for the most part (not every one), covet what isn't theirs. They can’t stand that one woman might have it better than them. 90% of my friends are women, no I am not gay, and the thing I notice about women is, the competition between their friends and total strangers. I can not tell you how many times a woman will put down another woman because she is dressed in "THAT outfit". Does she look trampy?...yes, but she looks good. On the flip side, I would hear how another woman is dressed way too conservatively and is either an ice princess or hasn't ever gotten any. Ladies pick your battles...

    The other thing I have noticed is that my marriage status has an enormous draw. When I was single I did alright with meeting women.... shit, I've got hundreds of them as friends so and introduction was not that hard to come by. However, since I've been married I have noticed that women go out of their way to make themselves noticed. I later found out that my wedding band was a piece of jewelry that was doing the trick. In certain places if I put it on I'm Superman.... if I take it off I'm just Clark Kent.

    My "girl" friends seem to think it's the stability that just seems to emanate from married men, or the image of the "good" guy that they want to have one day. My question is then, why do they want to back to a hotel room or a bathroom or a parked car and ruin that "good" guy status?

    No one can seem to tell me that answer. I suspect it goes back to the fact that everyone is out for themselves and what I said in my original statement. It seems a woman will go out and be with a guy who is married just so they can take something for themselves, and more to the point, away from the other woman (wife). Will this guy leave HER for me? Will I win out? I know he loves his wife but I'll make him love me too. If love has nothing to do with it, and sex is the only thing on the table, then it is a dominance thing. I made him cheat, now he has to go home to his wife with me on his lips. I win she looses.

    I know that might sound harsh for anyone who has never gotten that dark, but this exists and it is alive and well.

    The last thing I have to talk about is Girl code. Seriously???
    I've never ever seen girl code in action. Especially when it comes to women who don't know each other. Girl code, like guy code, lives and breathes between friends never strangers.

    There is so much to say about this but I'll let other people talk now.

    Peace and Love... peace and love

  4. Dear Male Reader,

    Thanks for your well written comment!

    I do think that some women want what they can't have and don't care about other women.

    BUT, I am not one of them. I believe in the "girl code". Maybe it's all about how you were raised. I come from a good family with values. I have been approached by numerous men who are NOT single, and I was never the "other woman". I would never cross that line, no matter how handsome or "great" that attached man seems.

  5. I find it so disheartening that so many men really believe ALL women are bitches to each other. That just simply isn't true. It's such a generalization. That is like saying all athletes cheat, when really, it comes down to people as individuals: some people are cheaters, some people are conniving, vindictive, and covet people/things. When you choose a life mate or even a boyfriend/girlfriend, you should take the time to get to know them, find out their values and morals. If you cheat with a married man, you obviously have low self esteem and have little regard for yourself, much less anyone else. A man who cheats has no respect for his wife or family and has terrible morals. I think jealousy is part of human nature and I don't think it's exclusive to women. It is about rising above those feelings and being a good person. I think some women are mean to each other simply because they think that's how they're suppose to be - that's how they're portrayed in the media! Men are portrayed as being cool if they sleep with tons of women and degrade them. It's disgusting.

    When anyone (man or woman) puts someone else down - it's clearly because they are insecure. I wish people would focus their energy on more important matters, this is just pathetic & sad!

  6. Dude, may I call you Dude? You are basically reinforcing what Sarah is saying. There are SOME girls out there who want to be the "other women" because of sick daddy issues or whatever. However, I believe the majority of women (the ones not hanging out in sleazy bars looking to pick up investment bankers) would not even think about going near a guy with a wedding ring. I think your argument is that women are the ones "bringing down" the guy with her feminine wiles. But may I just point out, that men have the option to turn a girl down when she proposes making out in the bathroom. But, alas, men and their egos. Don't they love to be admired. And talk about power trips. Men love having a girl approach them, and as an “experiment" he thinks, how about I take my wedding ring off? All I'm saying is, it takes two to tango.
    Yes, women are competitive with other women, but any decent woman I know would NEVER, I repeat NEVER mess with a man that is married or taken. PERIOD. And let’s be honest. With so many men out there who conveniently forget to tell us they have a girlfriend, sometimes women inadvertently become the other woman. Then it’s two girls who are being played. So Sir, can I just say, don’t blame this on the few women who decide knowingly to become home wreckers. Let’s talk about the inability for men to keep it in their pants. I also used to have a group of friends who were all male. They told me, point blank, it’s impossible for a male to be truly platonic friends with a girl, because they are always thinking about the sex part. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Why do so many guys cheat? Ok, biologically they were built to “spread their seed”. But in this day and age, if a man WANTS and freely enters into a relationship, then he can’t have it both ways. Excuse my pun, you’re in or you’re out.
    One in 2.7 men cheat according to this CNN article.
    One in 2.7!!! And if, as you propose, it is we bitchy, backstabbing wenches who are luring you poor, innocent men into our trap, why don’t you open your mouth and say NO?

  7. Well said, Belinda! What Dude said isn't news to me... a certain (single) actor I know said that leaving his character's wedding ring on "accidentally" while at a bar was the best pick-up trick he ever found. But, like Sarah and Belinda, I think that the women who are attracted to taken men are a minority and in a mind-set I don't understand.
    There are 'other women' who don't know that they are the 'other'... and that's different. Going after a taken guy (or staying with one once it's been revealed) is a pretty sure way to heartache. Unless it's all about sex, revenge, or power and not the heart.
    I believe in a 'girl code', and in respecting other people and their relationships (even when they don't give their relationships the same respect). Just because Taken Guy is open to Other Woman doesn't mean that she has to say "yes". There's also respect for the self and believing you're worth someone's undivided commitment, just as much as the next girl.

  8. This is a very interesting blog post, Sarah, with very interesting comments!

    Maybe the women who are attracted to married men aren't interested in a long term relationship any more than the cheating men are? I'm sure women and men can both be thoughtless and shallow, and that's how these superficial trysts happen. Just to add another data point, I know of two relationships that ended in a man-having-a-mid-life-crisis sort of way; both married men with children, both married their mistresses, and both are elderly and still happily married to the "other" women. So that is a pattern as well. A sad one.

    I must say, while I was reading the poor fellow who's been dubbed "Dude"'s post, all I could think was, "I'm glad I don't know any women like that." Honestly, I have tons of female friends and my department is predominantly female, and I can honestly say I don't have a single friend like the women he describes. If a woman talks behind another woman's back, it's to say something honest or kind or simply on the subject of whatever we're discussing. (i.e. "Jenny agrees about offering four sections of that course.") Maybe it helps that we're women who are doing something other than standing around like mannequins and so we have things to talk about? If I know women like Dude's friends, then it's my back they're sniping behind, because I never hear it.

    I wonder if it comes down to how we value ourselves. He specifically mentions clothing. It sounds like his female friends are somewhat shallow and maybe value themselves on appearances and their consumer habits, and not much else. I always think it's sad when I meet women who only seem interested in that, talking about what they eat and wear and seem obsessed with their appearance, because it's so superficial. And maybe you're the belle of the ball now, but that doesn't last forever. I think if we don't value ourselves based on our superficial qualities or what we like to buy or how many heads we can turn, then we are more interesting people and we have more interesting relationships and we quickly move beyond the petty nonsense that Dude describes. And maybe we attract men who are interested in something more than what they can grab, and maybe our relationships are deeper. A lot of "maybes," but I can certainly see where a superficial relationship wouldn't last very long.

    Dear Dude: get better friends. I'm sad that you have this awful opinion of women, but I do think it must be partly your fault for the ones you choose to friend. Maybe try talking to a girl who is actually doing something productive and see what she sounds like. I know they're out there...

  9. Maggie's description about superficial women sniping behind each others backs and being obsessed with what they wear, eat, buy, how many heads they can turn, and other meaningless things is Julia Allison in a nutshell. And Maggie is absolutely right. Not all women are like that, thank God.

  10. Hi... “The Dude” here again.

    First, I would like to settle something here. I never said that ALL women are backstabbing, selfish, men stealing home wreckers with no moral code. I was just pointing out a type of person that is out there keeping this "other woman" culture alive. I agree on all counts that men and women have to be held accountable for their actions. I have great admiration for women and I always have. It is probably why I have so many women friends. I’m not the guy Belinda would like for you to see me as, in other words, I'm not trying to get into their pants every 5 seconds and I see them as people. So please don't come down on me for respecting your gender. By the way, my girl "friends" are not all the same. They come from every walk of life and practically every economic background. From ultra wealthy to not so much. Everyone of them are fun beautiful people. Some are more fiery than others, but all in all great people.

    The point I was getting at was the deep psychology of people. In this case I was talking about women. Men have a different side. Neither one is better than the other but this article was aimed at women. So I wanted to show a side of women that most do not like to see or talk about. That side was of the insecure / validation seeking / power hungry / domination side that the "intentional other woman” displays. I wasn’t necessarily talking about your every day chicks here.

    Now I did mention the "competition" aspect of my friends toward other women. I did this for a reason. It was to show that you don’t have to be an extreme case to partake in cattiness and betray your own gender. And I will not pretend to even entertain the notion that anyone reading this has not passed judgement on anyone at a bar/club/diner because of the outfit they were wearing or how they are acting. - I'll give you a second to think about that and chuckle a bit.

    Sarah, I believe you come from a good family and that you have your head on straight. I'm sure the girl code is in good standing in your hands. I do believe if we as individuals take responsibility for ourselves we will be less likely to harm our current and future relationships.

  11. Dude- you still sound very belittling and condescending. In fact, I don't think you respect women at all.

  12. Dude, to thine own self be true. I think if you want to backpeddle on what you originally wrote, you need to 'fess up and be honest about it. You originally wrote, "Women are bitches to each other. They, for the most part (not every one), covet what isn't theirs."

    The first statement is "women," not "some women," or even "many women." I think it's safe to say that the women you are attracted to as friends and lovers are not a representative sample, thank goodness. But I will thank you not to generalize from the (apparently) despicable pool of your female acquaintances.

    The second statement isn't much softer, "They, for the most part (not every one), covet what isn't theirs."

    I think it's human nature to covet, but to single out women and say that most of them covet what isn't theirs feels a little misogynistic to me. Most people can control their coveting, or at least confine it to the parameters of society. ;-) I think our economy in 2010 is essentially founded on the principle of "thou shalt covet and thy credit card max will be fruitful and multiply."

    Now I admit, I did chuckle at this: "And I will not pretend to even entertain the notion that anyone reading this has not passed judgement on anyone at a bar/club/diner because of the outfit they were wearing or how they are acting. - I'll give you a second to think about that and chuckle a bit."

    But probably not for the reason you think. I chuckled because I don't think I've ever been in a bar/club/diner and I don't give a tinker's dam what anybody wears. (As is obvious by the way I dress myself, I'm sure!) It's funny because, once again, it tells us something about *you* and *your friends.* Oh, be very careful what you assume about other people. It's never about them. Yes, I think if that is where you're spending your time, you will meet a certain kind of person there. Maybe even most people, I have no idea, I'm just basing that on the little you've told us all about you.

    Seriously, dear boy, try a library. The girls aren't going to be nearly as flashy there on the outside, but I think your female stereotypes are going to get their asses kicked, in a good way. :-)

  13. Sorry "anonymous" I guess I touched a nerve. Sometimes it takes an evolved mind and evolved personality to accept our psychological make up. Notice I didn't say flaws. A lesser mind would have gone there. Perhaps a person who feels they are being talked down too or who feels condescension from comments from another person with an education.

    As far as respect goes, my dear, I have tremendous respect. But I wouldn't expect you to know that because you don't even know me at all. You're just sitting in your chair blabbering out nonsensical comments because you didn't like what I wrote. Honey, sometimes we don't like it when we look in the mirror. The question is... can you accept what you see?

  14. LOLZ at your last comment, "The Dude." Are you an example of a person with an education? This might be my favorite sentence ever: "Perhaps a person who feels they are being talked down too or who feels condescension from comments from another person with an education." Your subject and verb don't agree and you've used a homonym of "to," all in a dreadfully awkward sentence in which you claim to be more educated than "Anonymous." Certainly Anonymous's two sentences were a lot easier to read, since they were grammatically correct.

    Once again, you show a lot about yourself in your posts through your assumptions about other people. I think I could argue fairly convincingly from the evidence of your own words that:
    1. It is you who has had a nerve touched;
    2. You don't respect women;
    3. You are insecure about your erudition;
    4. You are sitting in your chair blabbering nonsensical comments because you don't like what Anonymous wrote.

    Are you calling Anonymous "honey"? Do you think Anonymous is a woman? Do you think every Anonymous post is made by the same person? Do you think everybody who disagrees with you is a woman?

    Interesting. Food for thought. You're funny, "The Dude." Sadly, I'm liking you less the more you write. I hope that after this conversation you will think more about your interactions with women. Maybe pay attention to how many women actually make the sort of remarks that you have attributed to all women. Maybe they're just the ones you notice/encourage. Maybe when women say things like that, if they had a friend say, "not cool," then they would stop. I suspect that's not your reaction. You're just talking behind their backs. I think you could be an honest friend and help them to have better relationships with other people. Or maybe you like it, or maybe you agree, or maybe you really do think all women are like that and if you say "not cool," women won't like you anymore. I'm not trying to psychoanalyze; I have no idea. It just bothers me when young people complain about their friends behind their backs instead of having an honest interaction with them to their faces. I don't think that's honest friendship. And maybe that's why I know all the good women whom you've apparently never met. I don't quietly sit and sip my beer (or whatever you're doing in these places that you frequent) when somebody says something utterly rude, childish, shallow, and mean, and I don't nod and smile. Maybe that's because we're too busy having a conversation about something meaningful. I just have no idea what you're doing, but it doesn't sound like friendship to me.

  15. Hi Maggie... sorry but I didn't see your post.
    For some reason I am being attacked here. It's funny to me that when someone brings up the ugly part of people's personalities, people get real defensive and lash out at the messenger.

    To answer your accusations to me backpedaling.... this is not true. I said (if I may cut and paste my original sentence) "Women are bitches to each other. They, for the most part (not every one), covet what isn't theirs." If you want to analyze this sentence, it by nature backpedaled on it's own. I put in the backpedaling statement "not every one" for a reason.

    You see whenever you take the risk of pointing out flaws in people (which inherently we all have) people get upset. They don't ever want to look at themselves and see that they aren't perfect. The "not every one" statement was to try to weed out the people who love to respond with the "don't generalize" argument.

    I don't necessarily want to go tit for tat on every little thing here because I have a feeling I could respond to this topic for years on end. Perhaps I should start my own column. The bottom line is. The "other woman" has issues. The cheating man has issues. For whatever they are, and they are battling them out in real time. At the risk of hurting others or in some cases themselves. I do believe I had a repeated emphasis on psychology through out this conversation. I understand that most people do not understand their own psychological make up and assume that they clearly know the make up of others. This kind of "blindness" creates a culture of finger pointers. This is why the gossip rags, and the scandals that come out of them, are so "therapeutic" to their readers.

    I do admit that saying "Bitches" is a strong choice of words but then again, if I said anything less you wouldn't have been impacted enough to wake up to the idea. Some people not privy to the way other people think. You had said in a previous post that your department is made up of women and that all of you get along. You should also know that you are at "work" with these people. Professionalism masks and squelches people's real personalities. The workplace really isn't the best place to gage a person's true personality.

    I'll leave you with a video of just an example of how women treat each other. The discussion mentions insecurity, judgement and implies the coveting of other people's lives. Keep in mind these websites in this piece are populated by women.

    Again THIS IS NOT A REPRESENTATION OF ALL WOMEN. But is is a major reoccurring factor in the populace... and it is the MAJOR factor in the psychological make up of "the OTHER WOMAN".

  16. Oh and Maggie... I'm married so I don't need to try the library. :-)

  17. Dude, you're not "the messenger." You aren't informing us about anything other than your own opinions.

    If you believe you're citing "psychology," then really cite it. Give us a peer-reviewed published paper in a journal that supports any single assertion that you've made, and we'll have a starting point. That's psychology. What you are citing is your opinion.

  18. Maggie.....
    I live psychology, I'm not just citing psychology. I could present you with "peer-reviewed papers" and millions of pages of material on the female psyche. But this is a blog comment area. An area where people place their opinions and thoughts on a subject. I can not help that my opinions are riddled with fact learned through years of practice. You obviously do not like to hear other people's options so it is futile to discuss this subject with you any further. I only offered an insight into a the mind of "the other woman".

  19. Wow, I do have to say this was one interesting blog! I enjoyed reading the discussions and rebuttals from all of the Anonymous writers, Belinda, Lynne, Maggie & The Dude. You all have your own varied opinions on this spicy topic ~ thank goodness for freedom of speech!!

  20. Wow, Sarah! Excellent job igniting a debate.

    I agree with the general sentiments of all the female posters: my friendships with other women have made me the person who I am. I have met a few women over the years who describe themselves as "not into female friendships," and in my experience, I have found these women to be the catty and bratty... and 2 of these women went on to be the "other" woman. I chalk this up to the girl code, and the warmth and support of female friendship. The better we understand and empathize with each other, the better we treat each other out of respect. Girl code!

    I feel like I'm about to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I think we've been a little harsh on The Dude. He took to Sarah's comment section to post his opinion, and he merely articulates opinions gathered from his unfortunate experiences with women. Judging from his tone, I can see why he has so many hopeless friends. What can I say, I believe people attract friends similar to themselves... so best of luck, Dude.

  21. As the person that Maggie has been cheating on for months. I cannot attest- she is a liar.


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